


Hello My Old Heart

by claudiarya



Category: Nikolai Series - Leigh Bardugo, Six of Crows Series - Leigh Bardugo
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Book 1: King of Scars Spoilers, Characters' Clownery, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Everyone is happy and married, Multi, Post RoW AU, Queen Zoya and King Nikolai; sovereigns of Ravka, Solstice in Ravka!, Solstice is a time for miracles, angsty, hand holding, resolving feelings
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-19
Updated: 2020-12-19
Packaged: 2021-03-10 21:48:08
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 9,491
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28174185
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/claudiarya/pseuds/claudiarya
Summary: Solstice is a time for Celebrations, gifts... and difficult relationships to evolve into something more.From the Story:"Captain Inej Ghafa had seen many things in her many travels at sea, and in the various ports they had docked, but as she passed the gates of the Grand Palace, she couldn’t help but being… taken aback by it all."
Relationships: David Kostyk & Genya Safin, Hanne Brum/Nina Zenik, Jesper Fahey/Wylan Van Eck, Kaz Brekker & Inej Ghafa, Kaz Brekker/Inej Ghafa, Nikolai Lantsov/Zoya Nazyalensky
Comments: 6
Kudos: 29





	Hello My Old Heart

**Author's Note:**

  * For [clary1835](https://archiveofourown.org/users/clary1835/gifts), [crimsonblue](https://archiveofourown.org/users/crimsonblue/gifts).



> Hello everyone, I wrote this story just for an excuse to see these characters in a festive mode, and in a post RoW scenario. I can't express how much they all mean to me, and how terrified I was while writing to not have rendered them justice. 
> 
> The title is inspired by the song Hello My Old Heart by The Oh Hellos. 
> 
> English is not my first language, so I apologize in advance for any mistakes. 
> 
> BEWARE there are King of Scars spoilers, so if you haven't read the book don't continue further.
> 
> Without further ado, ENJOY!

Captain Inej Ghafa had seen many things in her many travels at sea, and in the various ports they had docked, but as she passed the gates of the Grand Palace, she couldn’t help but being… taken aback by it all. Even in the carriage that Nina had insisted sending to her when she had sent word, she would arrive that day, the very same day where the Solstice celebrations would take place, she wondered how big the, well, Grand Palace was. Surely, it had to be the biggest building she had ever seen. Three stories high with rows after rows of golden ornated windows, that at the moment were softly glowing in the tepid morning sun. Where the gold seemed not to have taken possession of something, it was the marble that took its places, almost blinding in the light.   
Inej could also see that beyond the building a vast garden went on for miles, and if the statutes lining the main entrance were of any indication, she could definitely imagine them adorning the immense grounds still concealed to her eyes. If she were honest with herself, the gold, the marble and the grandness of it all resulted a bit too much for her. 

Well, at least she was sure she was going to sleep in a nice comfortable bed, which was always something she couldn’t take for granted after so many days at sea. It felt a bit surreal to walk through the gates of the Palace, and come to think of it, she hadn’t expected an invitation from the King and Queen of Ravka to go spend the Solstice Celebrations to get to her.   
It had been a couple of months before. She had made port in Os Kervo to stock for supplies before leaving again on the trails of a particular difficult slaver ship, and its Captain, The Bandit. It had been a game of cat and mouse, every time the Wraith seemed to catch up with the ship, it disappeared immediately after. An exhausting interminable game that wasn’t over yet.

The few correspondences she received, from her parents, were usually mailed in Os Kervo, but when on top of her parents’ letters, she had found a quite fancy envelope she had been surprised. Inej had helped Nikolai and Zoya alongside her friends in the war against the Fjierdans. When they had realized that they needed to access the Ice Court, they called the Kerch squad that had managed in that impossible task. They were encouraged by the fact that Nina was working undercover in Fjierda, in the very heart of Nikolai’s enemy. She had decided then and then that she was going to accept the invitation and after she had sent a letter to her parents explaining the situation and telling them that she would go meet them to spend the eve of New Year in their company. 

Inej stepped out of the carriage, swinging the bag of her few belongings on her shoulders. The snowy surrounding mixed with the marble and the gold emanated a sort of light that made her squint, but as she advanced, she couldn’t help but throw her head back a bit to take in the opulence of the palace. She thought that this was not really a place for a renowned pirate to be in, even though it was literally owned by the famous Sturmhund himself, if her clothes were of any indication. She had put on her best outfit, but still the salt of the sea was not really the best thing for clothes, or anything really. Even though she had made sure to wash the pants and tunic she wore, they resulted a bit fainted. Thanks the Saints for the new coat she had bought on land because of the cold. She treaded on burying her chin in the white fur around the collar of the light gray garment, she could feel the end of her braid trapped between her back and the piece of clothing. Finally, Inej stood in front of the enormous doors, undecided of what to do next. 

She looked up for the last time and her breath got stuck in her throat. Was that… Kaz peering down at the courtyard – at her? She marveled a second, taking him in. She knew that he was going to attend the celebrations in Ravka. Nina had told her in one of the last letters she had received that the whole squad from Ketterdam was going to be there. Still, she was surprised to see him. Adorned by the splendors of the Palace, looking at the same time both out of place and perfectly in harmony with the ambience.  
Even from afar she could see his perpetual stern gaze, and she imagined what it would be like if she were there with him. Would his features be bathed in the morning sun? Would his dark eyes be of a lighter shade? They looked at each other, for an instant that felt like an eternity. Inej tentatively raised the hand that wasn’t holding the bag and waved almost imperceptibly. Before she could see if that gesture had caused some sort of reaction, someone tackled the poor Suli girl, almost sending her sprawling to the icy ground and making her drop her bag unceremoniously. 

“You’re here!” cried an excited Nina hugging her so fiercely Inej thought she heard her ribs creaking. “I’m here” echoed the shorter girl, now returning the hug of her best friend. Inej hadn’t certainly expected for Nina to come running out of the palace to greet her, but she was glad nonetheless because she was starting to feel a bit doubtful on what to do next.   
“Look at you, you have no idea how much I missed you!” Nina exclaimed, taking a step back but keeping her hands on Inej’s shoulders. Then she continued excitedly, talking a mile per hour. “I’ve been waiting for you all morning. I woke up early and made sure I didn’t miss your arrival. And you know how much I don’t like waking up early when I don’t have to. But I really like you and it’s been forever since we’ve seen each other and spent some quality time together. So, I made sure I would be the first one to come down and greet you.” She took a breath and then. “AH! Take that Jesper!” and after that half turning back to the huge doors and making a gesture with her hand. 

“Is this a new coat? The color suits you!” she finished passing one of her hands on the fur of the cuffs. Inej had really missed her friend. She couldn’t comprehend where she always took her energy from. Life hadn’t treated Nina well in these last couple of years, and yet here she was, as energetic as ever, and in that prospect, Inej thought that Hanne had helped a lot to lift some of the heavy shadows hanging over the Grisha. Not even five minutes in her company and Inej felt revitalized. She took one of Nina’s hands that were still on her shoulders and squeezed it with her own.   
“I missed you, too, my dear Nina”, she said “I was so excited to see you all! And yes, it feels like a lifetime since the last time we were all together” she finished with a genuine smile. When Inej was with Nina it felt as something deep in her belly was sparked by an outside force, and viceversa: the Suli girl had a sort of calming effect on Nina, as if when together they balanced their personality.  
“Let’s go inside before our buts freeze permanently…” said Nina in a quieter tone, tugging at her friend’s hand and leading her to the huge doors she had stood before.

Inej looked up at the window where Kaz had stood. But as if he had been only a figment of her imagination and not really there, he was gone. 

***

Inej sat crossed legged on the big bed in Nina and Hanne’s rooms. As the rest of the Palace, that, too, were adorned and cured to the very last detail. She passed her hand on the soft duvet, the motion tickled her hand a bit. The two girls were at the vanity. Hanne was seated on the stool, while Nina was trying out different hairstyles on her. They looked happy, serene, and Inej felt a wave of affection rising from her chest, mixed with a rooted melancholy. After Nina had brought her inside, she had been greeted by Jesper and Wylan as well, the both of them seemed very happy to see her. They had fussed all over her, but despite everything she had felt an immense sadness that Kaz hadn’t even show up to say at least hello…   
It was true the last time they’ve seen each other it had ended with Inej leaving not long after she had docked, and after a not so happy exchange of words with him.   
She guessed they weren’t on the best terms at the moment.

“What are you going to wear this evening Inej?” Hanne asked from where she was seated, trying to catch the other girl’s gaze in the mirror and bringing Inej out of her reverie. She stopped looking down at the duvet when she heard her name get called and raised her head to look at Hanne, who was watching her with expectant yet sweet eyes. Her attempt perhaps at not making feel her as an outsider in her and Nina’s moment, but then she realized that if the girl had spoken to her, she hadn’t really gotten what she had said.   
“Sorry?” Inej asked, having missed the question, and feeling a bit embarrassed not to even had had the decency to pay attention. 

“I just asked you what you were going to wear for the Solstice celebration this evening” Hanne repeated with a tender smile.   
“Oh! I—I was thinking to go like this?” answered Inej hesitantly, still half lost in her thoughts. “Oh no, dear. We’re going to find you an outfit to match that pretty coat of yours, rest assured.” Nina intervened. “But, where? It’s not like I own many elegant clothes.”  
“Don’t worry about that” her friend stated as if it was certain that she was going to find something for her.   
“We’ll find something you like. But first. I know that look on your face. Tell me: what did he do this time? And how should I kill Kaz Brekker?” 

***

Where to begin for what had happened?   
Inej supposed that the start was always the best place. It all happened after the first failed attempt of The Wraith at following The Bandit. A desperate search that had led her ship straight into other ships. This meant, a tired crew, scared rescued slaves, and the perpetual frustration for the fact that the most infamous slaver ship around was still gallivanting the seas, stealing innocent people from their homes. That was why she had made port in Ketterdam, to rest for a while before starting on their search again.  
If Inej was honest with herself, it was the difficult situation that had led her to get back to the place she had left behind so many times before. It had started as a sort of nagging feeling deep in her chest. Like an inverse siren song, that instead of calling her to the sea, was calling her back… home. She didn’t know when she had started considering Ketterdam as home. She had always believed that once paid her indenture, she was going to leave it for good.   
But then, well, the Dregs happened. And more specifically Kaz Brekker. That was the reason why, despite everything, she had come back again. Again, and again after her voyages.   
Inej felt like she needed to go back. She needed to see Jesper and Wylan, stay in the comfort of their mansion, soaking up their light, their easy yet consistent love. She needed to see Kaz, to know he was there for her, ready and willing to help her and support her through everything.   
But her enthusiasm had lasted shortly. 

They had docked very late at night at Berth 22, and thus she had preferred to go straight to the Van Eck mansion, to sleep some of her nerves out, with the intent to go straight to meet with Kaz early the following morning. She hadn’t realized how much she had missed her friends until she was in their presence. They had spent together a pleasant rest of the night, catching up.   
When Inej had woken up, her heart had been already a lot lighter, but it felt as if it was missing something, or rather someone. So, with renewed energy she had climbed out of her window and started her journey across the roofs of Ketterdam towards the Slat.   
She had reached his window, and very carefully, nudged it opened, as she had done so many times before.   
“What business Wraith,” she heard him saying in that gruffy voice of his, before she could even set foot inside the room. Once she was in, Inej saw him. Kaz Brekker was seated behind his desk, which was full of papers. His head bent, he didn’t even look up from what he was doing, not even when she got closer.   
“Hello Kaz, how have you been?” she simply replied, wishing he could at least lift his gaze for a brief second to take her in. A sigh and then he did… his gaze so penetrant that she had felt exposed.  
Inej remembered how they had spent the most part of the morning almost in complete silence, which wasn’t strange for them, perched on her usual spot on the window sill. But every time she had tried to start some sort of conversation, he had seemed just so distant, so out of reach. That morning Kaz had behaved as the boy she had work with before the Ice Court. Cold and calculating.   
The two of them had made progress in their relationship. They had agreed to take it slow, to give the other the time they needed. As in all things, there had been good days and bad days. On the good days, they managed to touch, and Inej could almost see the boy Kaz had killed when he came to Ketterdam; under the mask he wore with everybody else. On the bad days, all they could do was just be there for the other. During the war alongside the Ravkans they had worked together as a true team, a family.  
That day, though, that day wasn’t neither good nor bad. Just different, and Inej had discovered just what kind of different.

She had flinched a little when he had asked her “What happened to your knife?” head still bent on whatever he was doing.  
Sankt Petyr, the knife Kaz himself had first given to her. Inej had been so sad when during a fight with one of the ships she hadn’t meant to come across in her pursuit of the Bandit, she had lost her precious knife. Ever since then, it had felt wrong even just thinking of replacing Sankt Petyr, as if she had lost a part of herself that couldn’t be easily restored, by buying another knife.  
“Lost it in a fight” her succinct answer, at which he hadn’t even reacted.   
What was wrong with him? Why couldn’t he just let go for once? She thought they were past a certain point of sustained attitude from his part.

Inej thought that she was, perhaps, the only person allowed to see through that crafted mask of his, that he had started stripping his damned armor, if not only for her, even for himself. But apparently not.   
She couldn’t take this from him. Not anymore. So, when she had voiced his concern to him, he had gone stiff, and after a not so happy exchange of words Kaz had looked up at her, eyes hard as stone and had told her “Nobody forces you to come visit me.”   
It was as if the world had collapsed on her. Inej couldn’t understand why he was treating her like this. The new found lightness she had felt the night before in the company of Jesper and Wylan, had completely evaporated, replaced by a horrible sensation clawing at her throat. 

She was not going to cry in front of him. She just wasn’t. Her head failed her, as she felt tears pricking her eyes. “I came here, because I needed you. I’m feeling so lost as of late. I just wanted to see you, to talk to you. To be with you. But it seems you’ve started building once again an impenetrable wall around you. I don’t know for how much longer I can try to climb your wall, Kaz. At some point, your wall is going to be impossible to climb. Even for me.” 

And with that she had left, through the door, feeling a sob rising from deep within her stomach. She had hurried outside, ignoring all the looks thrown her way.   
Inej had stumbled upon Jesper, just outside the Dregs’ building. When he saw her like that, he had just hugged her, and then told her “You know, at times I wonder why you bother to come back at all.”   
That very same day, Inej had reunited her crew and she had left Ketterdam with The Wraith, determined to find The Bandit, now more than ever, just not think about what had happened. 

***  
Sitting now in the Queen of Ravka’s chamber with a group of young women approximately her age, made Inej think that perhaps this could have been how her stolen teenage years would have looked like. They all had gathered there. Inej suspected that Zoya had kicked poor Nikolai out of their quarters, and they had started getting ready for the dinner, by helping each other to choose between outfits and what to do with their hair. 

Inej wasn’t really skilled at this… these simple conversations, the easy laughter and smiles. The kind gestures. Like now, after having bathed she had been given to wear a robe and she was ordered – ehm – told to sit down to let someone do her hair.   
She looked around the room and soaked in the calming atmosphere, Tamar helping Nadia with the buttons on the back of her dress, Leoni seated on the ground, in front of a huge mirror styling her hair, while chatting amiably with Nina and Hanne.

Nina had helped her find a dress. At first Inej had tried to sway her, telling her that it was going to be fine and she could wear what she had, but Nina being Nina had been irremovable, and she had taken her hand, exiting her room and marching down the hallways, like she was the Queen herself. She had knocked on doors, while crying “WE HAVE AN EMERGENCY!”   
In that moment Inej had realized how much she loved her friend, and that at times it was the small things that reminded her of the sentiment.  
Again, she couldn’t remember the last time she had chosen something elegant to wear for a special occasion, but it turned out that being friends with Zoya and Genya came with benefits, like their wardrobes, and on top of that, their readiness and kindness to lend her one of their outfits. She was so grateful for it.  
In the end she had opted for a simple deep green dress, the color reminding her of the forest she had visited with her parents near her home, in spring. It had a beautiful lace bodice and a long skirt made out of a flowy fabric. 

Inej was so still baffled by it all that she still held in her hands the dress, which was now draped gently on her legs. She couldn’t help but touch it, as in a daze she kept on picking up parts of the skirt, the bodice, to feel it between her thumb and index. That’s why, she didn’t realize that one of the women present had positioned herself behind her and went to touch her hair. When a hand took it gently in her hand, she jerked forward in surprise. She turned realizing it was just Genya, with her hair still in hand. “I’m sorry I startled you” she told her.   
“Don’t worry, I was just lost in thought.” She made a dismissive gesture.   
“How would you like your hair?” she asked Inej.   
“I don’t know – she replied quietly – I usually wear it in a braid so it doesn’t get in the way” she shrugged.   
“Mmm… I think I’ve got an idea. If it’s okay with you I’d leave it down, since it’s so beautiful.” The redhead said in a hopeful voice and a smile on her face while looking down at her with her only, yet startling bronze eye.   
“Thank you, and I totally trust you with it.” Why was she blushing? It’s not like she hadn’t spoken with these women before. But the way they all were acting, no schemes, no scams to gain something beneficial from her, but just because they felt like it, made Inej feel a kind of happiness that moved her to tears.  
While Genya worked to style her hair, Inej had resumed her peeve at touching the dress she still had stretched out on her legs. 

“You’re going to knock him off his feet.” Genya said, her tone a bit alluding.   
“I don’t think he even cares as it is right now. He didn’t even come out to say hello since I’ve got to the Palace.” She hanged her head, gaze firm on the dress. From across the room another voice rose, Zoya’s, her stern tone echoing as if amplified “What did the Kerch rat do now?”   
Inej knew that when they had helped them during the war people might have suspected that she and Kaz… that there was something, but still it felt weird, since Inej herself didn’t know where they stood.  
“He’s being his usual dumbass self.” Added in Nina. She was putting Hanne’s hair the way they had decided earlier.   
“I’ll tell you something,” finished the Queen as she approached Inej to look her straight in the eyes quite an intimidating, but glorious sight in her dress of her preferred deep blue.   
“You go there tonight and have fun and don’t think about him.” Inej just nodded, at loss of words, in a gesture that she hoped conveyed gratitude. Zoya seemed to understand her just fine and went back from where she had come to put a sparkling hairpin in her dark locks. During the war they had developed, not really a friendship, but perhaps a mutual respect, that in many ways was more solid.

“Here, all done!” she heard Genya say after a while as she gripped Inej’s shoulder, before handing her a mirror.   
The front section of her hair had been braided and it had been pinned at the back of her head, leaving the rest of it loose on her shoulder, slightly wavy from the braid they had been.  
“Thank you! It’s lovely.” She whispered, squeezing Genya’s hand that was still on her shoulder.   
“You are beautiful. I know it can be hard at times, I didn’t have it easy at first with David, but hey, we got married in the end.” There was a brief pause before she continued   
“Let me add something to what Zoya told you. If he still doesn’t care even after having seen you like this. Well, he’s truly a clown.”

***  
The room where the celebrations was going to take place was as opulent as the rest of the Palace, but the Solstice decorations were simply stunning. It must have been the ballroom, since it was a huge room with crystal candelabras hanging from the ceiling and enormous windows, from which one could see the gardens covered with snow. There were fountains and further in the back a little bridge, made visible thanks to the lampposts disseminated all over.

A big round table was set at one end of the magnificent room. The soft light of the candles created a magical atmosphere and the wreaths emanated a pleasant and fresh smell. Inej thought she had entered a fairytale as she stepped in the room arm linked with Nina, who for her part had hers linked in Hanne’s, making them a strange ensemble, since Inej was so small, and they so tall, that she could have easily passed for their daughter. They approached the table, and while Nina and Hanne went talking to someone, Inej went around the table, observing the way in which everything on it seemed to sparkle under the candle lights. 

Inej reached out for a very intricate object at the center, that held a little piece of paper with her name on, when – she knew who had just walked in the room, despite her back being turned to the entrance. She set the nameplate delicately back on the table and slowly turned. There, at the other end of the ballroom, behind a joyous Jesper and Wylan that had joined Leoni and Adrik upon seeing them, was Kaz Brekker himself. He was as impeccable as ever in his tailored suit. One of his gloved hands gripped the crow head of his cane. Just like that morning when their eyes had met at the entrance, they found each other. And just like that morning, she couldn’t help but marvel at the sight of him by the hazy light the room emanated.  
She couldn’t read his expression, but she thought that underneath the stone-cold glare she could see a trace of wonder.  
Oh Saints, give me the strength. This is going to be a long evening. Inej thought to herself gripping her knife strapped on her thigh through her skirt, as if trying to hold onto something familiar.

They had eaten, they had drunk and laughed at the table, Nikolai’s natural charisma mixed with his and Zoya’s camaraderie, putting everybody at ease and making them feel at home.  
“I think I can speak even on behalf of my beloved Queen –while he kissed her hand locked with his – when I tell you how grateful and honored, I am to have you all here. We wouldn’t be here if it hadn’t been for you. I wouldn’t be here.” The King had said. “This reminds me, that no matter where we come from, no matter our intentions, when we stand together, we are stronger.” Nikolai’s eyes had passed over the people reunited at his table.  
“I would like to steal a little bit of your time to say that it is a time of celebrations, yes, but also of new beginnings. Let us all start with our best foot forward and embrace with no regrets the paths coming our ways.”  
“Yes, but let us eat now, not everybody loves the sound of your voice as you do!” retorted Zoya, which caused a raucous series of laughter to rise from the guests present at the table.

Inej had had a prickly feeling throughout the duration of the dinner, as if her skin was burning, and she didn’t need to guess on what it depended.  
She had felt Kaz’s gaze on her, despite him being a few seats away from her, especially when she was asked to tell stories from her sea voyages and expeditions. Inej had clung the forearm that used to have the feather’s tattoo, uncharacteristically bear for once, as if to remind her the reason why she had embarked (literally) on her journey. Apart from the general embarrassment of not being used to be in the company of these many people just for the sake of it, she hadn’t had the courage to meet Kaz’s face. Not even once.

It turned out that there was a reason why the table had been set in the ballroom. After dinner a soft music had started playing.  
Zoya and Nikolai went in the middle of the part of the room that was still free and started dancing. Inej stood on the side watching the couples swaying lightly. All of her friends were finally happy, at peace with their loved ones. She chuckled softly when Jesper and Wylan passed before her and the boy with the rusty curls stepped blatantly on his boyfriend’s foot, followed by an imprecation of the sharpshooter. From where she was standing, Inej really thought she was dreaming, the ambience of the room just too magical to be real. She couldn’t help, though, a fond, yet melancholic smile to find its way on her face. She imagined how dancing with Kaz would have been like, and if she closed her eyes the girl could easily imagine herself swaying with the Bastard of the Barrel on the sidelines of the floor.  
As if on cue the prickling sensation started again on not for the first time that day, hard as stone eyes met hers across the room. It was never going to be easy with them, was it? Perhaps in another timeline, in another life, they could have joined the others and danced with them. Arm embracing arm, unafraid. But both Inej and Kaz had come to learn a long time ago that life was not a fairy tale and that people hardly got what they wanted or deserved. 

Nevertheless, Inej was so tired of this situation, that had been made worse by their physical distance. If he didn’t want to have anything with her, she at least deserved to hear it from him. After a big intake of breath and some mental encouragement, she went to cross the room, when unexpectedly she was swept around by one arm. It was Jesper. He twirled her, wrapping her in his arms, and then unwound, as he flashed her a grin; white teeth shining. Still baffled at what had happened, she didn’t realize that Wylan was at the ready, and he too, took her hand and spun her around his raised arm, smiling brightly, the candle light reflecting on his curls.  
Giddy, she threw her head back and laughed carelessly. This captured Nina’s attention as well, who joined the merry trio, and led to a series of funny group moves. Now taking each other under the arm and going in a circle, now shaking and shimming their limbs funnily, all the while laughing and snickering as the silly teenagers they were, not even caring to follow the rhythm of the song that was being played. 

Inej raised her head looking at where Kaz had stood before she had been captured on the dance floor. The bright smile she was sporting, immediately fell. It was empty. Where did he go? She started looking around the room but all she could see were the guests dancing and the enormous wreaths hanging all around.  
Until – there!  
She thought she saw the tail of a long black coat. “Is everything ok?” Jesper asked her.  
“Yes, everything’s fine,” She reassured him.  
“I’ll be right back,” this time turning to the others as well. Nina gave her a knowing look and smiled encouragingly.  
She scurried for her jacket that she had brought with her and checked her pockets. She took the gloves out and headed outside while fumbling with the item of clothing to put them on.  
Why in the world, when in a hurry, the gloves implicated a level of struggle so real?

Focused on her intention of finally speaking to Kaz, she was taken aback by how freezing it was outside. Not even two steps in the direction she had seen him go, that it seemed as if the cold had seeped right through her bones. She proceeded, hands clasping the front of her coat to keep it as closely as possible to her throat. There, on the bridge she had caught a glimpse of through the big windows of the ballroom, stood a solitary and black figure. His elbows leaning on the bridge board, despite it being covered with snow. Kaz’s head was bent, gaze cast down below. Everything around them was still, the silence in the air thick, as if she could get one of her knives and cut it; even the sound of the water was absent, since it had frozen.  
Not for the first time that day Inej thought she had stepped in a fairytale.  
Was she the knight come to rescue the prince from his impenetrable tower?

She continued her journey towards him, her steps as silent as ever, despite her walking on snow. It really felt like a journey. Like she was at sea trying to get ashore while the crosswinds pushed her back.  
“If you’ve come out here just because you think I’m lonely, you can go back right inside,” he rasped, not even bothering to look at her. As he spoke, she saw a puff of warm air condensing in the frigid weather.  
Of course, he knew she was here, no matter how stealthily she had moved.  
He always knew when she was near. 

“Don’t ever sneak out on me again.” he had admonished her the first time they found themselves alone in a room after he had bought her indenture. 

“I came here because I want to talk to you.” She replied briskly, staring at the side of his head where his hair was cut short. Come on, look up. Look at me, she thought to herself.  
“And, what is it that you want to talk about – Kaz finally raised his gaze on her, as if he had read her mind – Inej.”  
Those rapacious eyes that couldn’t seem to take enough of her in, were watching her so intently that she felt the prickly sensation return.  
“I just wanted to know whether you were doing ok. Last time we’ve seen each other we didn’t part in the best of ways.” She said taking some more steps in his direction.  
“As you can see, I’m doing perfectly fine,” he took the cane that had been laying against the bridge and gripped it.  
“Well, you’ve done your part. You can call this visit out of pity over and head back inside to enjoy the party with your friends.” Kaz finished mercilessly, eyes as cold as the weather surrounding them.  
Inej couldn’t believe it. What was she expecting? Kind words and a big hug? This was Kaz Brekker, not some college boy on Solstice break.  
Why are you acting like this, Kaz. What did I do to you?  
She really didn’t get his anger mixed with sadness, but she wasn’t going to stand there and be treated like that. With a heavy heart and a broken voice, she simply breathed “I’m not here to fight with you. I’m sorry I bothered you. I’ll free you of my presence.” 

Feeling incredibly stupid, Inej started for the way she had come from, when a hand grasped her arm.  
She stopped in her track; her breath caught in her throat.  
“Wait.”  
Inej shivered, Kaz’s voice sounded as a caress to her ears. Could the sound of rock on rock be defined as a caress?  
“Don’t go. Please.” He said a bit shakily.  
Since when Kaz said please and had a shaky voice…  
She turned to face him. When was it the last time they’ve been this close? She couldn’t remember.  
His eyes had lost a bit of the harshness with which he had looked at her before, now they were almost pleading. Inej looked down at his hand still gripping her arm.  
“I just don’t understand why you’re treating me like this. Like you can’t stand me being around.” She admitted earnestly.  
But Kaz being Kaz didn’t give her a direct answer and, letting her arm go and taking a step back he went “Why?”  
“What kind of answer is that Kaz? What do you mean why?” Inej was getting more confused and agitated by the minute.  
“Why” he repeated. “Why do you keep on coming back? To Ketterdam. To me?” he finally asked.  
“I’m not sure what you mean.” She said.  
“I mean, why do you keep on coming back, when you could easily not.” Kaz continued, his raspy voice a bit steadier now, as if trying to prove a point.  
“I heard Jesper the day you came to visit last time.” He continued  
“I heard what he told you, and I’m asking you the same question now, Inej. Because, I just need to know. And it’s being eating me alive, ever since I saw you crying well knowing I had been the cause of your tears.” A pause.  
“I can’t help but going over that day and coming up with all the reasons why you keep on coming back.” Kaz got a bit closer, watching her directly in the eye, a piercing but exasperated stare.  
“Is it because you think you owe me for The Wraith? Is it because you feel sorry for me and you think that with your visits, I’d be less lonely? Is it a bit of both?” he rambled on “Why is it?” he asked her once again, articulating each word.  
“If it’s the first, you know that I wanted to gift you that ship –  
“Kaz” Inej tried to stop him, but to no avail… he seemed intentioned to finish his manic speech.  
“If it is the second…well I don’t need your pit –  
“Kaz!” She said louder this time. “Saints, stop talking for a minute.” Inej exhaled, the little cloud of her breath representing her state of mind.  
“Have you ever considered, that the reason I came back to Ketterdam, to you, is because I wanted to?” “Yes, but I considered it as a too far-fetched scenario. Obviously, there is another reason why you feel the need to come back.” Kaz stated methodically, as if he had everything figured out and he was giving out details for a job, instead of talking to Inej.

“You know, for someone so smart, you can really be a complete idiot sometimes.” Inej shook her head, a sad smile forming on her face.  
“Excuse me?” he asked raising the one eyebrow sporting a scar, betraying a bit of surprise.  
Had anyone called Kaz Brekker an idiot before?  
“You heard me.” She continued as she approached the bridge. It was now her turn to lean on her forearms, head facing the icy water.  
“I make port in Ketterdam whenever I can, because I want to. It always feels like coming home. And every time I can’t wait to land to spend some time with Jesper and Wylan, but, especially with you, Kaz.”  
She looked back at him, his face was blank as always, that constructed mask of his had slipped right back into place, betraying no emotion.  
“The first times at sea, I kept searching for your presence everywhere around the ship. I kept on asking myself what you would have done in my place, what decisions you would have made. I found myself wanting to talk to you about my day and the idlest of things. It was exasperating. When the winds brought my crew and I closer to Kerch, it was a relief to know that you would be there.” Inej confessed, searching for his gaze. He didn’t say anything, still not showing any sign on his face. 

“I guess, what I’m trying to say, to answer your question, is that I want to be part of your life Kaz.” She finished, turning her bust to him, keeping only one hand on the board of the little bridge.  
“I don’t know how,” Kaz said getting closer to where she was standing. It was always going to be this way between the two of them, wasn’t it?  
This ever-shifting situation of getting close, so close to touch to only get as far as they’d ever been the minute after.  
“And I’m afraid I will never know how. It’s like you told me. I built a wall so high around me, that I lost all the tools to bring it down. And I don’t want you to try and climb it, because I feel you would inevitably fall, and I couldn’t bear that.” 

He sighed, mimicking her position. Now only a few inches away from her. 

It was as if they were reliving a strange déjà vu. The two of them aboard a ship, flying from the Ice Court.  
“I can’t even touch you, Inej. What if I won’t be able to give you more than this – he indicated with his free hand the other laying on the board – what if, a few moments, a few fleeting touches is all I will be able to give you? You deserve better than this. You deserve better than me.”  
Kaz finished, his eyes communicating all of his inner turmoil. The cold had started to turn his cheeks a rosy color and Inej thought he had never seen him look so alive.  
“I’ve never asked for your body, Kaz. I’ve only asked for your heart.” Inej uttered while holding his gaze and bringing a trembling hand a breadth away from his chest, careful not to touch him. 

“And surely, you must know, that you hold mine in your hands. You have for a long time, now.”  
Inej remembered what her father used to tell her, words she hadn’t stopped to think about in a while…  
The heart is an arrow. Inej knew, with certainty her heart had found its aim. Was it perfect? No, but still, it had landed true.  
“And anyways, I think I know what is best for me and make my own decisions.”  
There was silence. Everything went still, as if the unforgivable Ravkan weather had turned the two of them into frozen statues, not dissimilar to the ones in the gardens. The puffs of their condensed breath the only indication that they were still living entities.  
When…  
“And surely,” Kaz started by using the same words she had used “you must know, that my heart belongs to you.”  
He gently took the fur-covered wrist of the hand she still had raised, which made Inej gasp, and brought her limb to rest on his chest. His eyes never leaving face, even when she looked down at where their bodies were now connected. Even through Kaz’s thick coat she could hear the steady beating of his heart. His warmth.

She looked right back at him, knowing for sure that it wasn’t just the cold that made her face flush. As if under a spell, Inej raised her free gloved hand tentatively towards his face. It was softly illuminated by the moonlight and the little light poles all around the fountain not too much far from where they stood. His eyes two smudges of coal in comparison to the rest.  
Inej once again stopped her hand before he could fully touch him, asking silently for his permission.  
When Kaz just nodded she delicately cupped his cheek. He shuddered, his body tensing for an instant as if debating whether to flee or not. After a second, Inej felt him relax, and Kaz’s cheek nuzzled her palm. 

“You deserve love, too Kaz Brekker.” Inej whispered and his eyes softened at her words, his usually unforgiving mouth, lifting up at the corners in a rare, but genuine smile.  
“And your solstice present,” Inej added to lighten up the situation when she felt him starting fidgeting under her touch.  
She took the slightest step back, removing her hand from his cheek and started searching the spacious pockets of her coat. She fished two boxes and handed him the smaller one.  
“You didn’t have to get me anything,” Kaz frowned disapprovingly.  
“You’re right but I wanted to, so go ahead,” she said while raising the box with an encouraging smile. 

He put his cane to lean against the board and took the little box. It had a black ribbon wrapped around it. Kaz opened it. Inside resting on a little velvety cushion were two tiny metallic objects. One was shaped as a crow and the other… as a knife.  
“They’re cufflinks,” said Inej. “In one of the places we made port I encountered an artisan that made all this kind of things. Since you’re always wearing shirts, I thought you might like them. I know they are not of a precious metal, but perhaps the meaning behind the crow and the knife is more important, that the thing they’re made of.” She wringed her hands together, Kaz hadn’t still said a thing. Saints, since when have I become a mumbling buffoon? She thought.  
“In this way, you can always have a piece of us… of me with you.” Inej finished trying to catch his eyes and see his reaction. Did he like it?  
Kaz raised his head and surprisingly took her hand and while squeezing it he simply said, “Thank you!” She released a breath she didn’t know she was holding.

Inej felt her cheeks burn. Ever since she had come to terms of her feelings for him, she thought that it was unfair how easily she was affected by him.  
“There – there is more.” She whispered handing the other box over to him. This time he didn’t comment on the fact that she shouldn’t have gotten him anything, and simply took it. Inej studied his every movement.  
When he opened it, he took one of the items inside.  
“Gloves?” he asked surprised. He put it back in, the two black woolen gloves standing out against the light-colored package.  
“Yes, I knit them myself.” She replied, a surge of pride rising from her chest.  
“You did? Since when you know how to knit?” Kaz asked.  
“I most certainly did, and two of my crewmates, they taught me. They’re two young women we rescued. They decided to stay with us to help us. They are woolen gloves,” Inej explained. “They might be useful in the winter. Especially if you are working outside.” The Suli girl remembered how it had been, spending long hours perched on the Ketterdam roofs, the cold winds freezing her hands despite the gloves she had been wearing.  
“They are very warm!” She wiggled the fingers of her own hands in demonstration. They were wrapped in a pair of gloves not dissimilar to the ones she had gifted him  
When she had asked her crewmates to teach her, it had seemed as good as any other way to pass the sometimes-interminable time at sea. They always seemed to be relaxed working in each other’s company. On top of that, it had proved actually effective for making the nets they used to fish.  
Once she had gotten better, and the struggles of her being a newbie had passed, she knew immediately she wanted to knit a pair of gloves, Kaz’s features flashing in her mind all along the tricky process.

“They’ll be very useful.” Kaz gave her a small smile, his dark eyes shining. He didn’t need to say more than that, since his face was finally free of the usual mask and conveyed all the sentiments words couldn’t.

“I got something for you too,” he said after a brief pause, tucking Inej’s gifts inside his pockets, and opening a bit the front of his coat. She marveled a bit, not really expecting anything from him, since he wasn’t really the festive type.  
The long box was black with a red bow adorning the front. Inej opened it with shaky hands. She gasped. Inside there was an exquisite crafted knife: the handle was of bone and it was carved with a motif of leaves. The blade was of an iridescent steel, glinting in the low light around them.  
A knife as the one she had lost and hadn’t felt right to replace at the time. Her Saints really guided her every step…  
“Since you lost Sankt Petyr, I thought another one could come in handy.” Kaz said.  
He had remembered. “I thought you forgot all about it.” Inej admitted in all earnest.  
She heard him scoff a little, “Inej, I never forget the things you tell me. I don’t think I could even if I wanted to.” She looked at him, moved by his words and then took the knife from the box.  
Yes, this would do nicely, it felt just right in her hand.  
“Thank you, Kaz. It’s perfect!” “How are you going to name it?” he asked her, taking back his cane, and leaning on it in her direction, a brow raised in… was that affection?  
“Sankt Nikolai” Inej said, gripping it more tightly, as if trying to pass the name to the knife as well.  
“You can’t be serious,” Kaz stated, fake disbelief in his voice.  
“Oh, I am. It’s pretty fitting don’t you think?” she replied wrinkling her nose and then she started laughing heartily she didn’t even know for what.

Inej was happy! She felt complete, as if the burden she had carried over her shoulders in her teenage years, and that had started to get lighter and lighter when she had met Kaz and the others, had been completely lifted from her shoulders. She felt like a normal, if perhaps dangerous and deadly, girl. Here, exchanging gifts with the person she had given her heart to.  
“Inej.”  
“Yes?” she wiped her eyes and looked at him once again.  
“I just wanted to apologize for everything that happened, I behaved despicably, but I thought, in my contorted way that I was making it easier for you to choose,” he said, “and I also wanted to tell you that I really am a fool.” Kaz finished taking a step closer to where she was standing.  
“I firmly believe that your actions will have no echo, Kaz. We can only move forward now. The both of us. It’s time we start building something special instead of our walls, but we have to do this. Together.” Inej replied.  
“And why should you be a fool?” cocking her head on the side.  
“Because I still hadn’t told you how magically beautiful you look tonight.” He said, taking a strand of her hair between his thumb and index, in a gesture so tender she felt that sense of wholeness almost overwhelming her.  
Her breath caught in her throat, she couldn’t possibly bring herself to speak now, so, as he had done before Inej reached for his wrist and gently gripped bringing his gloved knuckles to her lips in a kiss just as tender as his touch.

***  
They had agreed that, since they were already outside, they might as well take a small walk around the gardens, despite the cold. They walked shoulder to shoulder, in a slow pace to make it easier for Kaz. Inej had laughed when she had heard him curse the snow and the ice under his breath, something along the line of “Damn this cold and wet death trap”.  
They stayed silent, enjoying the company the other provided, and the crunching of their steps on the snow.  
“Inej,” Kaz said.  
Was she ever going to tire of hearing her name on his lips? Was she going to be affected by the way he made it sound as a prayer of reverence? She didn’t think so.  
“Yes?” she asked cocking her head on one side. The movement caused her long hair to slide on one side, the back strands tickled her neck.  
“I want to help you finding The Bandit,” he declared as if he was telling her the most trivial of things.  
“If you wish for my help, that is,” Kaz finished, one hand gripping the crow head of his cane and the other lightly pressing on the knee of his bad leg. The cold must have started to bother him.  
“I would like you to help me” Inej affirmed, grateful for his interest in her cause.  
“You could be our informer on land. It could actually work, Kaz.” She said.  
“It’s exasperating at times, and I feel like the long journeys are for nothing. Every time I think we’re so close to catch it, that we’re on its tail, it seems as if the ship disappears into thin air. I don’t know how that is possible, but it’s so challenging mentally and physically.” Inej explained, the fatigue palpable in her voice.  
“I’m not giving up. I won’t and I can’t. I owe it to all those people who had and will suffer the same way I suffered. No matter the cost, I won’t rest until I stop The Bandit and all the people enabling its trafficking.” She put her hand to her heart, a sign of her commitment.  
Kaz’s eyes had never left her and he simply said “I know you will make it. I’m sure of it, and I’ll try to help you as much as I can.”  
Because of his own volition he took her hand and gave it a light squeeze of reassurance.  
“We’re going to make it. Together.” Inej said nodding, a small affectionate smile on her lips.  
“Kaz,” it was her turn now to say his name.  
“Mm?”  
“I’m leaving after New Year’s. I’m going to spend it with my parents here in Ravka and then I’ll be off again,” she explained, while his gloved hand still held onto hers. “I was wondering, would you like to come with me? I’m sure my mother and father would be happy to see you again, and we could – she swallowed – we could spend so more time together before I leave for Saints know how many days.”  
Where had that come from? She hadn’t even thought about it before suggesting him to take a merry trip to her parents’ house.  
Saints, what was I thinking? She asked herself, feeling a desperate urge to face palm. 

However, not for the first time that night Kaz Brekker decided to surprise her, he squeezed her hand again, as if sensing her inner turmoil.  
“I suppose if your parents would like to see me again, it would be very rude to disappoint them.”  
That was his answer, an amused tone coloring his words.  
“I suppose so,” Inej played along, “but perhaps I should have told you this before you accepted… If you come with me, they’re going to take for granted that we’ll be married by the end of next year.” She said, before giving out in a raucous laugh at Kaz’s not-so-amused-anymore expression and pervaded by the joy of the fact that he had agreed to go with her.  
Solstice was truly a time for good things to happen.

***  
On their way back to the ballroom and the others, Kaz stopped of all a sudden. Inej who hadn’t noticed right away, turned to face him, as she stood a few steps ahead of him. His head was slightly raised, eyes taking in every inch of the Grand Palace standing before him.  
Inej knew that gaze. A faraway look, as if he wasn’t really seeing what stood before him but was analyzing a difficult piece of a puzzle.  
“Is that…” she started. “No.” Inej sighed. “Is that scheming face?” She asked him with a mix of surprise and disbelief.  
“If you’re planning on stealing something from this palace…” the sentence was left unfinished, coming out as a plea and a statement of exasperation.  
“Why, are you proposing for the job, my darling Inej?” Kaz asked her teasingly.  
“It would be way too easy. Everyone’s inside, I know the location of all the valuable things. Or what’s left of them. As I said, a piece of cake.” “Of course, you would know everything about this Palace.” She sighed, rubbing her face and shaking her head. A big smile on her face.  
“But I think I’ll have to decline your invitation this time.” Inej looked at him straight in the eyes. “I like Nikolai and Zoya way too much, and honestly I wouldn’t want her to fulminate me on the spot! She’s scary like that.” The Suli girl joked.  
Kaz shortened the distance separating them.  
“Nazyalensky wouldn’t be too much of a problem, you know how well I can handle her.” He said, at which Inej scoffed. The two of them didn’t handle the other very well. At all. It was a wonder the Queen hadn’t drowned him, incinerated or struck him out of existence yet.  
“And it’s really a shame,” Kaz added. “I know there are a few jeweled eggs in Nikolai’s collection that could have helped us pay for our upcoming wedding.” He finished.  
They looked at each other for a split second before they started laughing.  
Hand in hand they got back to their friends, feeling as light and happy as they had both felt in a really long time. 

Nothing lasts forever  
Some things aren't meant to be  
But you'll never find the answers  
Until you set your old heart free

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for reading! 
> 
> Happy Holidays, and I hope my story might have helped you in this Pandemic. 
> 
> As always, comments and kudos are very much appreciated, and I thank in advance anyone who feels like leaving some feedback. 
> 
> I have a Tumblr and a Twitter account, come say hi :) 
> 
> https://claudiarya.tumblr.com/
> 
> Twitter: @/claudiarya1


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